These brain chemicals, also called neurotransmitters, are associated with the here and now. It's great, but it can be very different than the first throes of passion. Love and sex propagate the species. Those are infinitely useful, so dopamine gives us a buzz when the possibility appears. That buzz encourages pursuit — in this case, meeting new people, flirting, and dating.
And the neurochemical buzz of pursuit is, as we all know, intense. One of the reasons love can fade over time is that it's hard to keep that dopamine buzz going. Lieberman says. Choosing to remain attached to your partner , even once the dopamine buzz fades, is also driven by chemicals, just a different set.
You fall madly in love and think that the love you are sharing with your partner is so incredible that it can't possibly fade. Even though you know that it has faded in the past in your other relationships, and it has faded with most people you know, this time it's so special, so different from ever before, that you just know that this time it will last.
There are very good reasons why not, but it doesn't have to be this way. You can keep your relationship alive and exciting no matter how long you've been together, but first you need to know why it fades, and then you need to know what you can do differently—either in your current relationship or in your next one.
When two people fall madly in love, they are in love with either who they see in each other, or who they think they see, or who the person is presenting themselves to be. Often, they fall "in love" with how they are being loved rather than how much love they actually feel for the other person.
But unless they have each done deep healing work on their fears of rejection the fear of losing the other person and their fears of engulfment the fear of losing themselves in the relationship , inevitably these fears will emerge in the relationship.
When they do, controlling behavior also emerges. Whether it's overt control such as the anger or blame that come from an anxious attachment style stemming from a fear of rejection or covert control such as the compliance, resistance, or withdrawal that stems from an avoidant attachment style , controlling behavior erodes in-love feelings. Keeping the love between you alive means that, when your fears of loss of other or loss of self emerge, you decide to utilize the relationship to learn and heal rather than to protect against what you fear with your various forms of controlling behavior.
Most people have underlying false beliefs that, when triggered in their relationship , lead to these fears that lead to controlling, protective, or avoidant behavior.
Some of these false beliefs might be:. The fears of rejection and engulfment, as well as the resulting controlling behaviors, are fueled by these false beliefs. Acting out with any form of controlling behavior resulting from these beliefs will inevitably erode love. The key to keeping love alive is the newness that comes from being open to learning about yourself and your partner.
When you are each open to learning about your fears and the underlying false beliefs that fuel your fears, your relationship becomes an ever-evolving one that continually brings newness into the relationship. While physical intimacy and flirtatiousness can play a large role, and should definitely not be ignored, the emotional intercourse which takes place is equally, if not more, critically important. It is at this point that you are ready to know and understand one another with almost a prophetic predictability.
With that knowledge and power, create a fun date that shows that you uniquely have grown to know who your partner is and what really makes them tick.
Being armed with that knowledge is enough to light a fire in any relationship! These words are for us all. Beyond Worthy , by Jacqueline Whitney. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. Care to join us? Find us on Facebook , and Twitter. Why do feelings of lust never seem to remain? Why does love fade to routine? These are our pathways of passion; learn more and change your romantic destiny.
However, Fisher has found that human beings have three primary brain systems related to love: Lust Brain System This system evolved to get us interested in sexual intercourse so that we would be magnetically drawn to potential sexual partners.
The Attachment-Life System Unlike most other species of mammals, human children need years of care. Understanding how our brains are wired can help us come to peace with certain realities of being human: Although we have brains that help us bond with one special person, we also have brains that keep us attuned to lust after others. Evolutionary forces are there to make us happy.
They help us survive as a species. If we want to be happy, we have to put in some extra work. Advice for Those Who Want it All Some people settle for lots of lusty sex, but never commit to one person.
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